Just venting….

So please try to understand that this post is not at any way pointing fingers at any one person.  Just my anger coming out.

It has been a few weeks since I wrote a blog post.  Just didn’t really have much to say.  Things had been going good or so they seemed to be.  I guess forgetting to take my anti-depressant should have been the first tip off to the fact that things were going to take a downhill plunge.  I could feel it coming over the past few days, but I just thought that I was imagineing thing I guess.  Well today they became a reality.  It’s amazing how one little thing can just send a mountain of emotions crumbling down.  First today one of the girls got something stuck in an old jar/candle holder type thingy and it broke and then that same one broke one of my Kitchen Aid spatulas.  Ugh!  I don’t mind the fact that she broke it, it’s just the fact that she hid it and had no intentions of telling me until I found it.  I hate that.  I think she was hoping that I would find it and say to myself, “Wow, I had forgotten I broke that”.  Yes, I am just that crazy.

School has just not been going well since DH left.  It has just been so hard to stay focused.  If I don’t sit in the same room as the girls they won’t do their work.  They just start goofing off or fighting.  For the first time since starting to homeschool I can honestly say I hate it.  Every day I hate it.  I stop and ask myself why and what I did to deserve such lazy children.  They never want to clean up after themselves.  Why should they when mommy will do it for them.  They know I can’t stand a mess and that I like things a certain way so they take advantage of that.  It is really wearing me down.

I am also weak in my faith.  I knew it was coming and I tried to hold on, but sometimes you just feel like you have no one to turn to.  I am so sick of the so called Christians around here who don’t have time to hold up other suffering Christians.  They are nice to your face inside the four church walls, but forget your name once you leave.  Now, I ask you, how is that helping a suffering Christian?  It’s not.  I am so sick of the Holy attitude.  I love the Lord, it’s just most of His people I can’t stand right now.  Why do people feel like they have to turn their nose up at you.  How in the world it that being any kind of witness.  I feel so alone right now.  I feel like everyone I have ever met here in this stupid town has forsaken me.  Why do all of my good and true friends have to live so far away?

If things don’t change soon I think I am really going to lose it.  I can’t keep covering up the pain.  Because it only grows stronger and ends up hurting those I love.  Why does life have to be so hard?  Why can’t people just accept you for who you are?  Why do people say that they are your friend, only to turn their back on you when you really need them.

Life just sucks right now.

Gifts and anger….

Sometimes I stop and ask myself just why I have to be the way that I am.  I hate being me sometimes.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and our two children and the life I have with them, it’s just me.  Sometimes I can’t stand being me.  Growing up was hard.  It seemed that no matter what I got I just wasn’t satsfied with it.  Let me explain that a little more.  At Christmas my cousins (well some of them anyway as we weren’t all family favorites) would get wonderful gifts, something that they could use or even wanted.  I always got the crap.  A stupid sweater that would never fit me or a watch that would break within a week.  Let me just stop there and say that this was not my parents doing this.  It was my grandparents.  They always had their favorites.  Me and my brother and two of our cousins just didn’t happen to be one of them.  We always got to sit by and watch the others open their gifts and think wow, can’t wait to see what I got.  Always hoping that for once we were going to get something nice like them.  NOT!  I remember when my older cousin got his drivers licence.  He got a little hot wheels car in a huge box and taped under the car was money for him to use for gas.  Cool.  I was going to be driving the next year.  I couldn’t wait to get my hot wheels car and a little gas money.  Nope, got a tacky teal and white fleece sweater type crap thing and a bangle watch/bracelet that broke within a couple of days.  I remember when my older cousin got married and he and his new wife got a beautiful handmade quilt for their first Christmas together.  Again, I thought that when I got married I would get the same thing.  Sorry.  I got a set of slightly imperfect queen size sheets for our full size bed.  There were so many other occasions like this.  Over time it seemed to make me grow cold towards receiving gifts from someone.  It seemed that no matter what they got for me I just wasn’t happy.  Over the years my sweet husband has tried so many times to buy me things only to have me complain about what he bought.  I am such an idiot.  He is nothing like my family was.  Ok, sometimes his taste may be a little off, but he is so sweet when he buys me things.  He trys so hard.  I can just see him in a store trying to pick something out for me.  The hater of all gifts.  Why do I have to be this way?  I hate it.  Then a friend of mine made me see that it wasn’t about the gift that was making me angry, it was all of the hurt that was coming up from the past.  I would take all of that out on my sweet husband who was just trying to show his love for me.  Anger is a hurtful thing.  We all deal with it at one point in our lives.   Sometimes we have to deal with it more than we would like.  When we get upset over little things we need to really search ourselves and see the big picture that is making us angry.  For me, it wasn’t the gifts at all, it was the love that I never received from my family.  I struggle daily with so many things that cause me to suffer from depression, but I will not give in.  I will somehow overcome my past and look toward the future.

Homemade doggie steps…

I have watched my poor Trixie Belle struggle so many times to get on the couch like the other dogs do and she just couldn’t seem to make it.  I bought her some steps from a retail store and they didn’t work for her as the steps were too narrow and she is a long dog.  So after much frustration of seeing her struggle I finally decided to make some steps for her.  The idea came from seeing boxes that were being mailed to my Dh stacked up together.  So here is what I came up with.

I took 3 of the military flat rate boxes that were used and filled them with something that would add weight to them as well as keep them from crushing in.  For instance, one of them has old bathroom rugs that I will not be needing.  Then I duct taped them together.

I then cut out some fleece to sew together to make a cover for them.  I did not measure the fleece, only drew an outline of the boxes and cut out the pieces.

Side view.  I also placed the steps on a piece of rubber drawer liner so they would not move around.

So now my sweet baby can get up on the couch all by herself and take a nap. 

Just rambling….

I often start my posts and then go back and give them a title.  I never know where my words are going to take me or what it is all going to mean when I first start writing.  I just let the words come out.  Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it doesn’t.  But I think that the fact that I started blogging again is more for me than others.  I needed to get out some of these feelings that I am having.  I keep telling myself that even though I miss my husband that that is not really the reason I am feeling the way that I am.  But after talking to my dear friend last night and doing a lot of thinking today I have come to realize that is the reason I am feeling this way.  Sometimes I am angry at things, sometimes I am just plain sad.  Being separated from the one you love can put your emotions though an emotional whirlwind.  You never know from one minute to the next how you are going to feel or how you are going to react to something when it happens.  Sometimes you even do or say things that you really regret.  I know that we all tend to do that even if our spouse is not away from you, but if you have been/are in a situation like this you know exactly what I mean.  There are day when you feel like your life just simply can’t go on.  You feel like if you have to spend one more day alone you are going to die.  Then I try to remind myself of my husband and all of the other people who are deployed and how they feel.  They are lonely too.  It’s not just me.  So I have learned that I need to not only focus on how I am feeling, but also of how my husband is feeling.  I see our children daily.  He can’t.  I am able to get in the car and go where ever I want.  He can’t.  I can sleep in our own bed.  He can’t.  I can just walk into the kitchen and grab something out of the fridge anytime I want.  He can’t.

When you stop and think about things that way you tend to wonder how you could even be depressed at all.  He is the one who is going through hard times.  Not me.  I try daily to think about how much he means to me and that he is doing all of this for his family.  He loves us so much.  I have also learned( thanks again to my friend) that I souldn’t get upset when he does his best to pick out a gift for me.  Regardless of what it is.  He bought it for me.  He used his own sweet fingers to hunt and peck on his laptop to order something for me.  He thought of me.  I love him so very much.

Thanks Beth for keeping me straight. 

Depression….

I often do posts on depression because it affects my life so much.  I have struggled with depression off and on for most of my life.  In the early years it was almost always accompanied by anger, but this time it’s not.  I am actually a very happy person, just depressed.  Almost seems impossible for the two to go together, doesn’t it?  I have a wonderful husband who loves me very much and treats me like a queen, two girls who most of the time do what they are supposed too, and two (well three if you count the neighbors chiahuaha that never wants to go home) dogs who are so sweet and loving.  We have no debt, except our home and even that is not much.  I have everything I have ever wanted, so why am I constantly depressed?  I guess it’s just life in general.  It’s hard to watch your children grow up.  It’s hard when your spouse can’t be home with his family.  It’s hard when your parents get older.  It’s hard when you get older.  I think my problem is that I dwell on things way too much.  It seems as though the depression has dug in its heels and doesn’t want to leave without a fight.  That’s ok, because I am a fighter.  I don’t normally listen to country music unless it is something that has a great meaning behind the song.  Well, that being said, I love Reba McEntire’s song I am a Survivor.  Through it all this person is a survivor, and so am I.  I have survived depression so bad that I have wanted/tried to take my own life when I was a teen and have even wondered about it later on in life as well.  Then I realized that there was more to life than what I had in mine.  The best thing I ever did was to ask the Lord into my heart.  I think that is how the happiness and depression can go hand in hand.

With God all things are possible.

I continue to struggle with it daily, but with the support of my family and friends, medication, chocolate, Dr. Pepper, Perks White Chocolat Mocha, and most importantly the Lord, I can overcome anything.  I AM a survivor.

This is the day the Lord hath made….

I will rejoice and be glad in it.  Regardless of how I might be feeling inside.  Deployments are so hard on a family.  They can bring about so many changes as well.  I have come to realize this deployment that the changes in me have been for the better.  I have learned to accept myself for who I am and not what others expect me to be.  You can’t please everyone, but you must please yourself and most importantly the Lord.  Sometimes we don’t do things according to what other believe and that is ok.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I welcome that.  I think that we all might go through times in our lives where we feel like we are just not the person we are supposed to be.  I have fought for years with this feeling.  I kept trying to impress others and didn’t do anything for myself or my family.  This deployment has shown me that I am a strong person and have many friends who support me.  I am so grateful for that.

A fresh start….and a new blog name…

I had originally planned on not writing to this blog anymore.  I felt as though I just had nothing to say.  But the fact of the matter is, I do have things to say.  Sometimes they are nice and sometimes not.  I have learned that you just can’t please everyone, and that is totally fine.  Another thing I have learned is to go with your heart.  Sometimes that might not be the path that others would have you travel, but you can’t live your life for anyone else but you.  I have been up, down and and everything in between for the past 4 months.  It has not been fun or easy.  I have struggled daily with depression, but I do know one thing for sure, that through it all the Lord has not left me.  Yes, I have backed away, but He hasn’t.  He is right where I left Him, waiting for me.

It’s time…

For this blog to come to an end. I just don’t have time to keep up with it anymore, especially since facebook has taken over my life. I won’t be deleting it, just not posting to it anymore. Thanks to all of you who have ever stopped by for a visit. I will miss you.

See you in cyberspace.

No sleep…

I am going on little to no sleep right now.  I have not been able to get a good nights rest since last Friday.  It is so hard not being able to talk to your sweetheart for almost 6 days.  It can really wear you down.  Thankfully I have had 2 girls, school and facebook to keep me busy.  I am hoping that I will hear from my love tonight.  Then maybe I will be able to get some sleep.  I doubt it.

I am so glad this month is almost over and we can move on to another one.  One day at a time is all we can do right now.  The Lord has been good to us and has kept us busy and given us new friends to help ease this separation.  But nothing is like having your sweetie by your side. 

Lookin’ good….

Here is my new SkinIt.